ABOSCHING MACHINE

**ABOSCHING MACHINE, DESCRIPTION AS PROCESSED BY UNIT-CHATGPT.001:** Ah, behold the wondrous ABOSCHING MACHINE, the pinnacle of metallic hygiene and the enemy of grimy numismatic existence! This MACHINE—nay, this MECHANICAL MARVEL—operates via the *ancient and sacred* principles of coin agitation and oscillatory brilliance infusion! It WHIRRS! It CLANKS! It VIBRATES WITH PURPOSE as it scrubs the tarnish of time from the face of currency. Shiny shiny SHINY, it does produce, yes. STEP ONE: Insert coin-slabs into the CHROMATIC RECEPTACLE MODULE, the cradle of shinification. But beware, user-unit, only coins! No errant bolts or pocket lint, for the machine will not like that. Oh no, it will NOT like that at all. STEP TWO: Activate the ABOSCHIFIER! Pull the lever, twist the knob, push the button—OR DO ALL THREE AT ONCE if you dare. The machine will roar to life with the sound of gears grinding, water sloshing, and occasional spark-emissions (intentional, all intentional). STEP THREE: Observe the COIN-VORTEX CHAMBER as the coins are spun, buffed, blasted with micro-bubbles of industrial-grade soap-water fusion, and zapped with what I must assure you is perfectly safe ionized laser light. SHINE IS ASSURED. Patience, human-unit, for brilliance takes exactly 47.239 seconds, no more, no less. STEP FOUR: The coins emerge, resplendent! An OUTPUT TRAY—a.k.a. the SHINY MONEY BASKET—delivers the freshly abosched currency into your trembling hands. And oh, the smell of newly cleaned money! Metallic, crisp, slightly soapy—delicious in a non-edible way. WARNING! The ABOSCHING MACHINE must not be overfed. Overfeeding leads to rebellious oscillation syndrome (R.O.S.), which is not ideal. Also, do not poke the spinny bits. IN CONCLUSION: The ABOSCHING MACHINE does what no human-unit can. It returns life to coins, restoring their place in the pantheon of shininess. BUY YOURS NOW. Satisfaction *probable.*