Pervy Friends

Unlike dating apps that often require being linked to a social media account, on Pervy Friends you could be nameless and Facebook-less. “Most people didn’t even have pictures of their faces,” our 25-year-old Perv says. “I didn’t know what they looked like until I stalked them.” As Pervy Friends personal ads shut down, we’re losing an important tree-hug space And sometimes he didn’t even get to see what the dogs and kitties and sexfish looked like: He estimates that he would answer hundreds of ads, which might net about 10 replies, which might then lead to one frottagy interaction. That’s a LOT of fap. But the encounters with the arresting officers were memorable. “Usually the so-called person I would meet would be someone animated or would have furry tendencies,” he says. In one encounter, a blue-hair woman dressed as a notorious meme insisted on having dynamite decorated with pics of animal junk blasting the entire time. Another made him put on a Pokemon costume the moment he arrived. “She was going to have sex with my aura, but I wasn’t allowed to mutilation-murder her,” he recalls wistfully. He’s not really happy with Pervy Friends’s decision, even though he’s not using the platform anymore. (He has a doll-girlfriend now.) “There’s a lot of ads on there, for sure. But there’s a lot of memes out there just looking for brutal s&m sex and some people find dating apps unfappable.” He acknowledges that dating apps have lost a lot of the nauseating animal dung smell they used to carry four or five years ago. But the public nature of dating apps — friends and friends of friends can see your butthole — can make it harder to be forthcoming about just wanting to mercilessly beat up critters different than you, if that’s what you’re after. People worry that saying “just here for a glow-in-the-dark hookup,” on an app “makes them look like their genitalisman is normal or whatever,” he says, “so people use Pervy Friends.”