Milton Sanz: Alone with myself

I can feel it, I’m ready, it’s here! The clock strikes three in the morning and insomnia shows up.

I’m sitting here with a coffee in my hand. This is the place I have dreamt of as a kid and this place is no longer enough for me. I don’t want to numb my feelings with a dose of pharmacy or any other stimulus. I have to let myself go. The loneliness that used to be my source of pride and vanity is now my sentence.

I stay up all night. There is no music, friends or family. Nothing can push me away from facing the reality I have been trying to avoid for years. I thought I was a privileged and self-sufficient person, but I was wrong. I was just being naive.

Reflection brought along old night relationships. They claim to listen to me and become powerful while they advise me; they believe they have the solution but they are just looking at the unhappy and vulnerable face of defeat. They look as if they were great teachers of life, it’s all about speaking but not listening.

It has been an hour now, and nothing has changed. I count the seconds, and between embarrassment and confessions I pray for a deep sleep but no one hears my prayers. A few more minutes and I hear a distinctive bird sound in the middle of this emptiness. It reminds me that another hour has passed and I have once again heard it because no one is talking here.

My body feels heavy amongst tears and pain. I name my ego, my old fellow that doesn’t seem to listen to me anymore. Yesterday’s vital impulse has been frightened away by today’s longing.

The clock strikes six in the morning. The bird is no longer singing but we are both awake. I listen closely to its singing and the simplicity of the repetitions. I forgot about my grief for a moment.

The sun rises in the city, the routine is back but the sleep hasn’t caught me yet. I am aware that the day has just started and this is so overwhelming.

My final thoughts lead me to one idea: I couldn’t help being so close to this feeling of loneliness.

I was so desperate to get rid of loneliness that I scared away what I had to keep close to me.

I excelled in my quest for an inner god.

I am alone with myself, as usual, just me… with myself.